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Because I can

The Road Less Traveled

Lil Me

 

For Most of my existence I have always chosen the road most travel. The one that blends me in and keeps me unnoticed. I have always tried my best to stay in the shadows of life, not to be seen or heard. I didn’t want to be noticed. Because I sought after this path, it is the one I received. Of course every now and then someone would see the light inside of me and try bringing it out by celebrating me and inside I would be conflicted between joy and fear. It always felt good when my dear friend made a fuss of me on my birthday, but nobody really ever made a fuss before and so I never did have the full experience of Joy because it was fear that always took over. Even though my heart always melted with joy silently. Because of the negative attention I was used to, my natural reaction was to avoid attention because I related it to pain. I was teased; I was told that I wasn’t pretty when I tried to make an effort. I of course at the time didn’t understand the reason was not of my own doing, because later on I would learn how very pretty I was and how I really wished I wasn’t because it meant people would try and take from me what was not theirs to take . As a result , I didn’t want to have these green eyes and blonde hair and I hated that I looked like this. I wanted to be pretty, because which little girl didn’t want to feel beautiful, but they just took away my right to be beautiful and turned it into panic and despair. So instead I did all that I could to hide my beauty, both inner and outer. I became one of the boys. But my friends always looked so pretty and made such an effort, and I longed to be like them, but I couldn’t. Too much had already been taken away from me, so I dressed like a boy most of the time. And it seemed to work, it kept me hidden. It also made me seem like something I was not. It turned me into something I couldn’t control and I was all of a sudden someone even I didn’t recognise.

 

You see I was born this bright shining little girl, as was every little girl, and the world slowly dimmed my shine. But as every other little girl that was dealt a bad hand I was very confused and didn’t understand why I could not have what the others had, why I could not be what I wanted to be, and why they kept turning me into something I was not. Why they made me feel less than I deserved and why did they blame me when my innocence was taken away from me. I wanted to be free, I tried to be free, but every time I pushed, the world pushed back. It may not have been the whole world, but it certainly was my world. It may have only been a single person that initiated it but to a little girl one person can be their worst nightmare. You see my world took away who I was, it drowned it in fear. So much that I wanted to be hidden, invisible… and I did well, with little or no effort I managed to be nobody, I chose to be nobody, I decided that I wasn’t worth being anybody. This path was the path many chose to follow, it is a road travelled by many, it is a road travelled by the world in pain, seeking to relieve their pain by not being seen. But this is not the path I was born to follow, nobody was born to follow. We go down this road seeking what we will never find there, we seek peace, we seek wholeness, and we seek a pain free life. No, the path most travelled by the world today does not lead to this that we seek. It leads to more destruction more pain, more brokenness.

 

Finally through many years of following the leader, of blending in, of trying to be what I was not, of ignoring the burning desire inside of me to break free, to be someone, to do something important, I finally found the strength and the courage to listen to the voice inside of me. The feeling that always told me I was more. Through years of reading and understanding, through many days and nights of tears and pain, I found that light inside of me again, I faced the fears that kept me hostage, I faced them through understanding, through forgiveness, through prayer and love. I found that little girl again, I found her light. I found it through the path less travelled, the difficult path, the one we try all our lives to avoid. I took the path that lead me to my light, my true being. I fought through the fear, I fought through the tears, I forgave what needed to be forgiven and I took my life back. Step by step. Problem by problem. Fear by fear. I took each one of them and made sure that they no longer dimmed my light.  I will shine, like the star that that I was created to be, the star that is now able to lead others to their light. To help them choose the road that is less travelled. Because that road dear friends, is the only road that will take you to where you need to be in life. To your true self, you true being, the person you were created to be. The road less travelled is the road that will lead you to a successful life. A life free of the weight that the world today put on our shoulders. A life where our strength is greater than that weight. Where one can overcome anything because they found a way to believe in themselves. Just like I did. It was not an easy road, but every step was worth it. For now I only seek to be true to myself always, to believe in myself, to trust myself with my life. No more hiding in the shadows, it’s time for the world to see who I truly am, who I was born to be.

 

Written by: Tammy Murphy

Because I can

Coffee Break

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It’s important that we take a break, but are we just throwing a cup of coffee down our throats or are we taking the time to take in the airoma  and actually enjoy the taste of a well brewed cup of coffee. There is nothing like the scent of coffee to awaken your senses and get you started or even get you re-started. Do we miss out on the enjoyment because we are too rushed to take the time to slow down and enjoy a small moment.

I’ve been so busy rushing through my life that I rarely took the time to stop and enjoy the moments. even when i was having the time of my life it just passed me by without me even taking a moment to inhale the surroundings and take it in. Its been so busy that I rarely even remember the details.

Its time to slow things down a bit and enjoy my break. Time to learn how to appreciate the little things in life that bring pleasure. The moments that sneak up on us, creating instant smiles. Maybe in this new found state of filling myself with the little things will I find my true potential.

 

 

 

Life Changes

Signs & Signals

badSigns vs signals , movement vs being stationary. It’s easy to know something and do nothing with that information. or be told something and agree, yet still do nothing with that information. Doing nothing gets you nowhere, its in the movement-no matter how slight it may be – where the changes occur.

For most of my adulthood I’ve been told that I have so much potential,I’ve heard it so often; yet at the same time I didn’t hear a thing. This is the norm for young people though, they don’t listen to what they are told and want to learn everything the hard way. So like most young people I heard what was said but at the same time ignored it.

Funny story though;when different people keep saying the same thing to you as years go by, one has to finally hear the words and see that there has to be something to them. I only started believing in myself a few years ago, when for the first time I realized that these people were being real and they really did see more in me than I did. They saw everything that I didn’t see and heard everything that I hadn’t heard about myself. To me I was just an angry person trying to get through the day, the week, the month. To them I was this burst of light waiting to explode on the world. I didn’t see it , but they did.

When I was 20 years old I went to a school for business. I excelled in everything I did there and received most of the top achiever awards. However because of my bad girl image and behavior nobody recognized me as this top achiever, instead they let someone who had lower marks than me and that received less awards than be get all the recognition. and all I was remembered for that night was my dress that was apparently too tight and short. I knew I was the best , I also knew that I wasn’t being acknowledged. I felt that , it hurt… but so did my entire existence. So instead of accepting my brilliant results , I was judged for my appearance and my outgoing nature. So I missed that sign. The one where my aggregate was 97% and I excelled because the signals given to me were based on my appearance and my personality.  The signs were there, the brilliance was there too, but I was too blinded by the signals people who expected me to be who they wanted me to be were giving me.

I believed the movement at the time, I believed that because that’s what was being presented to me that that was what I deserved. They gave pretty clear signals that I wasnt good enough. Dont get me wrong these people appeared to love me and want what was best for me, but when I left  they also changed the dress code to the graduation ceremonies. That was how I was remembered in that college.  They missed the essence of me, they missed the intelligence in me and they helped me to do exactly the same thing to myself.

The exact opposite happened once I started actual work. When I was a receptionist something inside of me always told me that I did not belong there,the same for sales and accounts. As I type this I am in my final week of accounts, I have finally acknowledged the signs that I missed, that I casually walked past without even noticing they were there. I have realised the signals I once received were a mere reflection of how I once felt about myself but the signs were always there.I just couldn’t see them because my vision was being blocked by the pain that life had once chosen to inflict on me.

That time is over, now my signs and signals are in sync with who I believe I am and not what the world wants me to be!

Written by: Tammy Murphy

Life Changes

Life changing jump-start!

I find that as human beings we struggle with believing in our ability to be the person that we picture ourselves as in our minds. We all have that vision of who we should be, but majority of the population by the time they reach adulthood have already given up on their vision.

Personally I don’t blame them as I was one of them. Life and its challenges tend to rip away the dream, the passion we are all born with to be the best that we can be. I cannot speak for everyone, I can only speak on what I know for sure through my own experience.

As a child I was a confident little girl, ballerina, great grades, well mannered. the spotlight didn’t worry me too much. I was being raised by a pessimist though, someone who avoided the spotlight, my mother the queen that she is to this day avoids any unnecessary attention. As much as I always blamed this incredibly strong woman for everything that went wrong in my life, she was not to blame. Life was to blame.

My innocence ripped from me, my family security ripped from me through divorce, my confidence ripped from me through peer pressure and bullies, my identity questioned through racial war and of course a broken heart. These are the things that dimmed the light that once shone brightly in my eyes to a point of almost going completely out.

It took years to figure this out, a lifetime for some. but finally I realized that none of these things defined who I was or who I am today. that nothing from my past can determine who I am now. Yes it will help to shape me an mold me. But I decide who I am. That vision of light and love that once was can be brightened again. I am a child of light and love and I finally see that I do not need to live in this day to day existence that the human race has called life. Working all day to receive an income that pretty much gets finished the day we receive it. Paying bills that will never end. The cycle is so vicious but most will never see the way out, they find themselves stuck in an existence that I describe as emotional torture. It puts the light inside of us out, and why? because we don’t believe that we can do better or be better. We don’t believe in the vision we see for ourselves. We let the world tell us that we are not good enough and we allow it to consume our souls.

I finally see how my life has been stolen from me by the world. I believed that I wasn’t good enough because the world around me told me I wasn’t. I fell into the trap set for me by this cruel world I found myself in. But now I am free. my mind has been free’d my soul has seen its light once again and I choose to follow the vision in my mind, the one I have for myself the one I have always had for myself.

I have taken a leap of faith in leaving the ways of this prison I found myself in called life, this job that barely keeps me afloat and I will soar to new heights, find new places and try new things. I have taken the first step, and now I will learn to walk my own path of life. Yes I will stumble and I may even fall a few times, but that’s how I learned to walk before and I know that in no time with practice and determination I will soon be running and jumping too!

Written by Tammy Murphy

Because I can

Testing the waters

Procrastination has been the thief of my time for far too long. I have been planning, hoping and praying but never having the courage to do anything about the visuals I have in my head.

To tell you a little about myself an why I started this blog. I want to find a neutral platform where I am able to express myself, my thoughts, my life, my travels, my pain and at the same time help anyone else who may be going through the same trials and challenges as myself.

So this little girl with her heart and soul ripped from her has had to endure life with no help in finding a way back to wholeness. Filled with anger , confusion , hatred for life and herself, zero confidence and no will to try; clinging to any form of life and love that she could find; has finally found her peace in the craziness of her world. It may have taken 3 decades but its never too late to finally put the pieces of your pain together and be filled with nothing but peace.

Obviously I am referring to myself here. What a long tiring painful journey of life I’ve lived and this blog is one of the beginnings to my new beginnings. I’m testing the waters of all that life has to offer. and who knows if I’m a true blogger or not… only time will tell. but I’m here, its begun… lets do this!